feelings of lost and forgotten
do you ever feel like time, space and distance have began to rob you of who you once were, or even better, who you are now.....taken you and put you on a shlef for the lost and forgotten.....i have and it sucks....alot of it is my fault and then some of it, i dont know who or what to blame.....
for instance, i found out today, by reading her blog, that my best friend, well she is more like my sister than a friend we have been best of friends since 1991......wow, that makes us sound old....but anyways, reading her blog i found out that she and her husband are selling their house......thats big news and i guess i was just shocked to read about rather than for her to tell me about it.....
or to find out things about other family members and friends way after the fact......that's not such a great feeling.....kinda makes you feel unimportant...or to feel that your life has become a routine thing.....so much to the point where you loss your identity in the activities of your family and children......you become "just mom" or the taxi cabs, personal shopper.....face washer, hiny wiper, chef, project organizer, seamstres (which is a major joke for me since i cant sew but i am pretty crafty, so my kids think i can do it all) maid.....you name it, and it has now become you....
its funny because i used to have tons of friends and love to party......in my day, i could hang with the best of them.......the life of the party.....yeah buddy that was me......i used to make sure that i had nice clothes....and shoes were my weakness......now with four kids to shop for, if it doesnt come off the sale rack or from the thrift shop.....i dont get it......in fact, my kids clap and yell and carry on like it is a holiday or something when i do buy something for me.....
i dont really miss the partying and the clothes arent that big of a deal to me anymore either,(now the shoes on the other hand....i still miss them...lol) because i would rather my kids be dressed very well than me....but i do miss the stacy that i once was when i had plenty of friends.......i really miss my best friend......she has always been there for me and sometimes, i feel that we are not as close as we used to be...miles, jobs, lives and the military have seperated us...i miss the way it felt to be more than a mommy.....not that i regret being a mommy because i believe that is the best gift that God has ever given to me and i treasure every moment of it.....but my kids are 13,9,6 and 2....they are growing up sp fast and dont really need "mommy" that much anymore.....even my "baby" is a stubborn do-it-herself big girl who will kindly tell you that she is keekee not baby......i guess i just wonder what my identity will be once i am not mommy anymore and my kids are all grown up and gone.....
now here is what i will do to take my blame in being put up on that shelf......i am not the best person at always calling to check up on people......im not a big phone person....but in today's technological world that should not be an excuse......and from today on out i am going to take better strides at being the one to do the "checking" up on others...i also know that i need to start trying to scheduling in more me time.....find something that takes me away from it all for just a little while.....maybe an activity or a group for just me....who knows....but hopefully these efforts will begin the process of "dusting" me off and coming down from that shelf.......